The urge to binge is something that is very hard to explain to a normal person, how hard can it be to put down the fork, right? Wrong, it is one of the hardest things to do when all you think about is food and when your next meal will be. Though each and very time you have finally had so much food you can hardly move, you begin to hate yourself for not having self control, yet again. I never had this problem before, don't get me wrong I've always loved food but it was never like this love/hate relationship that takes up all of my time and emotions.
Not until November 2011, when of course my quest to be thinner began as a innocent New Years resolution. My best friend and I thought it would be a great idea to do the Master Cleanse aka the lemonade/cayenne pepper diet/detox, whatever you like to call it. I did it for only seven days, but I managed to lose about 10 lbs. Society has never called me fat nor has anyone ever had a problem with my weight, only myself. To give you a better picture I am about 5'4 and I used to weight 132 premaster cleanse and managed to get down to about 120 on the last day of the cleanse. You see I know I'm not fat but the feeling I get when I weight 120 lbs or less is amazing! I feel that my body and most impotently my face look thinner and so much prettier. Those 10 pounds can make a world of difference not only on my appearance but my mood and outlook on life. But keeping the 10 pounds off has been hell.
Reason being, I am or have become a binge eater. I obsess over food so much so that it consumes my entire life. I binge then want to starve the next day because I can't stand the fact that I will gain weight. today, for example I had my mother brings me Menudo to work cause it was all I could think about after a night of drinking and an early morning. I thought I would allow it this once because I deserved it, I was hungover why not. That was just the beginning of an all day binge that made me sick to my stomach and my mind. I also stopped at trader joes for some oatmeal cranberry dunkers that were so delicious and wonderful until I got to about the fifth one after that the next 15 didn't taste the same, may I add each one was 90 calories and a big size for a snack. I also binged on a tuna sandwich, cheeto puffs, seaweed snacks, cinnamon bread, protein bars, and I had a big wanting for steak and A1 sauce, that if I would have gotten would have probably tripped my stomach apart. I was so full the entire day, I can't remember the last time I was hungry which sounds like a very selfish and stupid problem. This is starting to happen everyday now, yesterday I binged on about 3,500 calories and again felt ashamed and depressed, how can I let this happen Again?
I really don't have the answer and since I will not allow myself to purge I need to do something about it. Don't get me wrong the idea of bulimia has crossed my mind plenty of times even as I lay In bed writing this, I am so full of food that I can hardly breath. But I have forced myself to believe that the purging has a lot of downsides and it will just bring more problems in the future, besides I live in a small apartment and it would be hard to hid it from my family. So that brings me to starving I mean cleaning/detoxing for hopefully ten days. I weighed 131 today the most since my initial weight loss 7 months ago. Though this is not the first time I will be going back the the master cleanse concept it always seems to catch me when I fall.
Thought instead of filling up my body with maple syrup I am going to try to juicing for the first time. I've convinced myself that it is better to drink vegetable and fruit juice than maple syrup. This way I won't feel as bad for not eating for the next few days. But it doesn't always end well, I always fall back into the hands of the binge. I hope documenting this experience will help me understand why I binge and how I feel throughout the process, and maybe I can help someone else who is having this problem. Yes I know 10 pounds is not much that is why I believe this is much more a mental disorder then it is a physically one. But I did look very fat today, so I'm not to sure.
